More than 15,000 kids participate in MSI, Montgomery County’s largest soccer league. Two of them are my kids, and since 2018, I’ve had the privilege of coaching their teams, imparting what little wisdom I have to kids who quickly surpass me in talent and ability.
It’s great fun, but there’s a downside. While I love watching them play the beautiful game, I care little for what I hear at every game: the spectators who spend most of their time screaming at their kids, other people’s kids and the referees. It’s a problem everywhere, and it’s mortifying.
With MSI’s spring season underway this weekend, here’s some free advice for the grown-ups.
Don’t yell at your children while they’re playing: “Take the shot!” “Get back on defense!” “Run faster!”
Here’s a better idea: Unless you’d enjoy being screamed at while trying to do your job, let the kids make their own decisions. By participating in practices and applying what they’ve learned to game situations, kids quickly understand what works (and what doesn’t) on the field. By contrast, if they’re conditioned to follow orders from their parents, they’re not learning to trust their own instincts and they’re not given the space and grace they need to make mistakes. Research shows a direct correlation between parent sideline behavior (good or bad) and children’s attitudes, behavior and mental health. Show them the good.
Don’t call out kids on the other team: “Don’t let No. 10 get around you!” “Hand ball on No. 3!” “It’s OK, honey, No. 6 isn’t as good as you are!”
It’s bad enough when parents yell at their own kids during a game. But calling out someone else’s kid? I’ve seen children sobbing on the field when they feel singled out by someone they don’t even know. All the kids are trying their best; no one should be made to feel like they don’t belong.
Don’t get on the referee for missing a call: “Ref, that was a foul!” “How could you miss that hand ball?!” “It went off the other team, are you blind?”
Newsflash: Referees make mistakes–just like the rest of us. They’re also running several games a day for little pay and no recognition. And they’re playing another vital role, especially for the little kids, by reminding players about the rules in real time. As a coach, I know the frustration of a call that goes against my team. I also know it’s not the end of the world and shouting only sets a bad example.
So what can grown-ups do instead? So many important things!
Enjoy the game–quietly. As Yogi Berra once said, “you can observe a lot just by watching.” Get a feel for what your children are doing well and where they can improve and make mental notes about how you can help later.
Cheer for your team–and the other one. We all want our kids’ teams to win. But we should also want them to show good sportsmanship, too, which means we should model that behavior. Applaud when the other team scores. Compliment the opposing player who makes a nice play. Your kids won’t love you any less, but you’ll be teaching them a whole lot more.
On the way home, don’t analyze—listen instead. You’re not on ESPN, so don’t act like a post-game analyst. Follow their lead. Offer helpful pointers where you can but let them set the tone. Oh, and if they don’t want to talk about their game at all? That’s OK, too.
Above all, never forget the last line of MSI’s code of conduct waiver that you signed: “I will remember that the game is for the children and not for the adults.”
Adam Zimmerman is a terrible soccer player but proud soccer coach who lives in Rockville
