1). Race around the house cleaning up all the clutter that accumulated while you were unable to put The Hunger Games down.
2). Trip over a small child you forgot about while you were unable to put The Hunger Games down.
3). Shove it all in a closet. (Not the child.) Pray no one opens the door.
4). Notice crumbs and plastic wrappers in corner of kitchen where your children foraged while you were occupied with The Hunger Games. Sweep up.
5). Turn to deal with the small child and suddenly recall that there are others, and that they are also related to you.
6). Find offspring glued to various screens. Feel momentarily stricken.
8). Decide another hour of screen time can’t hurt. Your husband should be home soon and can take over. Meanwhile, they’ll be quiet.
9). Call husband and leave slightly breathless message on voicemail, begging him to hurry home. Hang up. Wonder why he even has a cell phone, since he never answers it.
10). Make mojitos and put out snacks. Help yourself to an advance mojito.
11). Call husband again. Leave second, more annoyed message on cell phone voicemail.
12). Google “The Lottery,” “Lord of the Flies,” and “The Most Dangerous Game” so you can casually throw around literary references.
13). Rehearse speech clarifying that You are a Serious Washingtonian and so you did not, in fact, enjoy reading The Hunger Games. Wonder if anyone will buy this.
14). Greet guests.
15). Pour mojitos. Settle everyone in.
16). Realize your son was the last to use the bathroom. Dash in. Flush. Spray Lysol everywhere. Create a vaporous cloud. Start coughing.
17). While still in bathroom, leave a third, extremely hostile message on husband’s voicemail.
18). Return to book club. Attempt to look unflustered. Fail. Take a big gulp of your mojito.
19). Agree (loudly) the club should read something serious next. Suggest Gravity’s Rainbow. Know you will never get past Chapter 1.
20). Get involved in heated conversation over whether Katniss is a good role model for girls.
21). Get involved in a heated conversation over Peeta vs. Gale.
22). Get involved in heated conversation over the Katniss Barbie Doll.
23). Pour yourself a second third mojito.
24). Suddenly realize no one else is heated.
25). Polish off mojito.
26). Turn to see your children chasing each other in a murderous rampage through the house.
27). Shoo the children upstairs. Notice that your home life has a close resemblance to the Hunger Games Arena. Assume your guests have picked up on this as well.
28). Say goodbye to guests who are now leaving.
29). Greet husband as he walks in the door. Let the Games begin.
