Before
before i write anything else i should explain why i’ ive started writing in a notebook which ive never done before except for school assignments
so it’ its basically i have this my creativity skills have been lacking in certain areas especially in english and my teacher suggested that i start a journal in which i regularly challenge myself to write in ways that i dont usually write in
and the one thing I i always adhere to when i write is capitalization and punctuation because whenever i see a lower case letter that should be upper case or when i see a misuse of punctuation a misuse of the dash i always get really nitpicky about it
so the first thing im going to try in this journal is to ignore all capitalization and punctuation rules and write like this
So so this is what its like to not use proper punctuation and grammar i actually havent written like this since dad yelled made me memorize basic grammar rules after i failed a grammar quiz back in third grade
it doesnt seem like the creativity is pouring in yet but i think this kind of thing takes time
when i told my Eng english teacher about this notebook she said that this wasnt exactly what she had in mind
she said she wanted me to write about things that i usually dont feel comfortable writing about, about
not in a style that i dont normally write in
but she said that i can do both at once it should be fine
so
things i don’ dont normally write about
thats actually a lot of stuff
dear diary journal diary notebook how should i ask my parents to buy Ph photoshop
because making this picture would be so much easier on photoshop and it would turn out looking so much nicer honestly you cant do much with paint
i hope andrew will like this picture i hope he understands how stupid paint is
oh thats right i should explain
im participating in this years secret santa at my school and when we drew names i got andrew slater
andrew slater the six foot bulldozer in my health class
okay so maybe hes not a bulldozer
more like a slightly underweight monster truck i guess
and maybe hes not six feet tall
more like five foot nine
anyway i dont know much about him but i couldn’ couldnt switch with someone else
the only thing i know is that he plays the bass guitar in some band because i saw them performing at a school festival two weeks ago
so i decided that i would draw a picture of him performing with his band as his present
and since i have no other program i have to use paint
first snow of the season today
when i asked for photoshop they said no of course they would say no why did i even ask
i can do without photoshop paint is good enough andrew will just have to take it
1. Taking the antiderivative of 3xsinx: using tabular wrong notebook
dear notebook should i download photoshop illegally
found an envelope of my elementary school artwork deep in my closet
its the weirdest thing to look at what you made eight years ago
i don’ dont even remember making half of this stuff like this charcoal skeleton and this clay frog
i must have been a weird kid
but it seems that when i was a kid i was a lot more creative
at least what i call creative
in a bizarre way
i mean this frog has six eyes and scales
at the bottom of the envelope i found a friendship bracelet and i remember the face of the girl who gave it to me but i can’ cant remember her name
in health class i learned that sleep deprivation is a lot more harmful than i thought
for instance it weakens memory and focus and can even lead to obesity
i wonder if i should tell dad because he stays up several nights in a row for work
when i told him he asked how i expected him to get work done i said i dont know and he went back to typing
secret santa gift exchange in a week and a half
ill give it to andrew at the end of the day i think i know where he usually is maybe i can catch him alone
or i could just stay home and
the more i look at the picture the uglier it is for instance the shading on the guitar and the shape of the drummer’ drummers eyes are so unrealistic
and the character thats supposed to be andrew doesnt look anything like andrew im pretty sure the color of the hair is off
how on earth will i give this to him
maybe i should just buy something for him and trash the picture
except i dont know anything else about him so id have a harder time choosing something to buy than just completing this picture
so picture it is
i guess
today i asked my health teacher how to convince people that something is good for them if they refuse to try it
mr stanley said it was a good question that he didnt know how to answer and continued his demonstration on the heimlich maneuver
i guess im on my own
except i dont know why im trying so hard because im pretty sure everything i try will only make dad angrier
andrew knows everything
i mean everything
somehow this notebook got left in my health classroom it must have fallen out of my backpack while i was trying to dislodge my binder
anyway when i realized that it was missing which was during lunch i ran to all of my morning classrooms trying to find it and when i got to the health classroom andrew was alone in there sitting at my desk reading this notebook
i cant
he
so i ran into the classroom grabbed this notebook and ran to the girls bathroom where i am now writing and sweating and shaking
what if what if he tells someone and it makes its way to my parents
i vaguely thought that someday someone might find this notebook but it didn’t didnt seem real likely to real
what am i going to do
tomorrow in health class what if andrew is there what should i say
of course ill pretend nothing happened
maybe my hair covered my face and he didnt see who i was
but theres only one person in my class whos legitimately a shrimp and thats me and also im the only one with such long hair
what am i going to do
should i even be writing this what if andrew or someone else sees it
maybe i should stop bringing it to school but then my parents might find it and anyone at school can read whats in here before my parents do
oh god
ok
heres the plan
- carry this notebook with me at all times
- dont even look at andrew
- if he tries to talk to me ill feign confusion
- if he tries to talk to me in private ill
runstill feign confusion
or i could just burn
and it just occurred to me that now he knows who his secret santa is or at least what his secret santa looks like
and he knows how crappy his gift is going to be
i just checked to see if i wrote my name anywhere in this notebook and it doesnt look like i did
but im still the shrimp with extremely long hair
still shaking and sweating and the end of lunch bell just rang so i have to get out of the bathroom and pretend to be ok
i cant sleep
health class in less than nine hours
maybe he really wont remember
seven hours and thirty nine minutes left
unfortunately my digital clock doesnt show seconds
why would he take any interest in me
no reason at all
so i shouldnt worry
time to make breakfast
the next class is spanish and after that will be health
im not afraid
no one would care if he told them that i was writing stupid things in a dinky little notebook
in the girls bathroom
the beginning of class seemed okay andrew didnt even look my way
but then towards the end he raised his hand and mr stanley was surprised because andrew never participates in class
anyway andrew said that he wanted to answer my question from before
i couldnt even remember my question but then i realized it was the one about convincing someone that something was good for them even though they refuse to try it
and he said maybe i should tell whoever it is that i care for him or her and that i want him or her to stay healthy
there was a long silence in the classroom
mr stanley asked me if andrew answered my question
i think i said yes
and class moved on
as soon as the bell rang i ran left quickly ran out of the classroom
and that was that
i guess nothing really bad happened
maybe ill try what andrew suggested
dad just got even more upset and said that i was embarrassing him
and mom yelled at me for embarrassing him
up in the middle of the night but theres nothing to say i would just be repeating myself
turned on the laptop to work on the picture
one pixel at a time
today andrew didnt say anything at all
makes me kind of nervous
last night it snowed so much that school got cancelled so im stuck at home
my parents are at work so the house is quiet
what should i have for lunch
doorbell
as soon as i opened the door and saw who it was i slammed the door back shut but he stopped the door with his foot
i threw my whole weight against his foot and i still lost
how the heck does he know where i live
he asked me if my parents were home
i said yes
he told me he knew i was lying
then he stuck his arm around the door and held out to me a cd case
this is for you
when i didnt take the case he waved his arm around blindly so i took it
his arm retracted
then his foot
when i peeked around the edge of the door he was gone
i closed the door
double locked it
sat against it
ripped opened the cd case
photoshop
i want to download it but my parents could find out
downloaded on my laptop
now that i think about it this was probably illegally obtained knowing andrew but i dont care
first thing i have to do now is redo his secret santa picture on photoshop
midnight
halfway done with the coloring
got to listen for parents coming near my room
girls bathroom
when i got to class andrew was sitting in my seat
he asked me if photoshop worked
i said yes
he told me that he bought it off a friend for thirty bucks and i said that was a lot of money he said no it wasnt
the bell rang so he went back to his seat
no mention of anything else id written in this notebook
i didnt realize how hard my legs were shaking until i sat down
more snow last night no school again
dear notebook diary do you think andrew will stop by today
photoshop
door
he was wearing way too little for the weather and holding a snow shovel
asked if i wanted him to shovel the sidewalk
i said no because i didnt have money at hand but he said he would do our sidewalk for free
i had to say no
he stood on the porch then asked if i wanted to go around the neighborhood with him
i said that seeing me with a shovel was like seeing a mouse with a butcher knife
he laughed and said i didnt have to shovel just that he wanted me around
i gawked then i said something about it being weird for me to stand around while he shoveled
he set his shovel against the door frame and asked if i wanted to take a walk instead
i didnt answer for awhile and then i asked him why he was doing this
he told me that he had been wondering about me ever since he read my journal
wondering how such a deep person could be hiding behind such a plain facade
i ignored the plain facade part and said the last thing i want is someone getting interested in me
no the last thing you want is someone finding out about the way your parents treat you
why would you
its true isnt it
please leave
have you been living your whole life with those bastards without saying a word to anyone about how they treat you
dont insult my parents
why not i mean what father gets upset when his daughter tries to help him
then i retreated a little behind the door
i asked him to please just leave me alone
and i slammed the door
double locked it
didnt care if he heard me double lock it
i went back i stood i stood there kind of hoping to hear him call me back out
but nothing happened
when i got to a window he was gone
left his shovel
i cant work on the picture i cant focus i keep coloring on the wrong layers and the gradient tool isn’t
he came back to get his shovel
seemed to know exactly which window i was watching from
still snowed in
he hasnt come by since yesterday
few more details left to add to the picture but i dont feel like working on it
two hour delay i checked at five in the morning
but i cant go back to sleep
moms talking to someone outside and im wondering who it is because im pretty sure all the neighbors hate us
what is he doing talking to my mom
when i got to the door he was trying to ask where i was and mom was brushing him off heading for her car to go to work dad had already left thank god
i yelled his name
andrew turned around and mom looked between me and andrew
is he a friend of yours
i nodded numbly
why on earth did you befriend someone like him look at his clothes his hair and for goodness sake how does he know where we live
i dont know
i was perfectly honest i really didnt know the answer to either question
andrew pointed down the driveway and said he lived a few doors down that way
she stared at him blankly
finally she looked at me
just make sure he gets out of here quickly you should feel lucky that im not telling your father about this
she got in her car gave me one final glare stare glare and drove off
he put his hands on his hips as he watched her disappear then asked how i could deal with such a
i cut him off asking him why he came
i came to tell you that im always around for you to talk to
what
and that i wont say i told you so when you realize what ive been trying to tell you
what
i really do live four doors down that way you know
really
so come over and talk whenever you feel like it
he turned around and left
snow falling in thick sheets
got an email from the girl coordinating secret santa saying that the gift exchange will be postponed to whenever we get back to school
it was supposed to be today
almost as soon as the snow stopped which was around lunchtime he came by
i really didnt want to open the door but he wouldnt go away and the thought of him standing out there waiting for me made me feel guilty
he had his shovel with him and he said he was going to shovel the driveway no matter what i said
i watched as he began battling the snowdrifts
and then i put on my shoes and my coat and went outside to dig out dads shovel
you know i really actually like snow
i finished the picture its printed and in my backpack
school back in today i checked just now
i gave andrew the picture after school like i said i would
he looked at it and said that i was right paint really did suck in comparison to photoshop and i nodded
he looked at the picture some more and then ruffled my hair and asked if he could photocopy it for the other band members
today i did something strange but i think it worked out
i got out my elementary school artwork and showed it to mom
i was surprised when she put down what she was doing and sat down at the kitchen table to look through the stuff
she seemed to especially like the clay frog
after she turned it over a few times in her hand she put it down and looked at me and asked me if that guy from yesterday was bothering me or not
you mean andrew
yes
mom theres nothing going on
i know i know of course you wouldnt be so imprudent as to start a relationship now while youre in school but i just wanted to know i mean i wanted to make sure he wasnt harassing you or anything
mom looked really flustered
i reassured her that he wasnt harassing me
so hes your friend
i paused a long time before i answered yes
and hes not anything like those other boys i see at your school
he kind of is but at the same time hes not so much like them
it was really hard to explain to mom what my relationship was with andrew and after a few tries i sort of gave up
mom looked at me for awhile and then she nodded and got up and left
all night ive been waiting for dad to storm in yelling at me but it hasnt happened yet
so i think it really did work out
whatever i mean by that
last night at two in the morning when i got up to get a drink of water dad was already in bed
i have no way of telling if it was because of me or maybe mom got through to him but he was in bed nonetheless
i love my parents
if you asked me a week ago i wouldnt have been able to say that honestly but now i think i can
well actually i would have said that i love them
but not in the way i do now
snow predicted next monday
maybe on tuesday there wont be any school