things i should probably write down

Before

 

before i write anything else i should explain why i’ ive started writing in a notebook which ive never done before except for school assignments

 

so it’ its basically i have this my creativity skills have been lacking in certain areas especially in english and my teacher suggested that i start a journal in which i regularly challenge myself to write in ways that i dont usually write in

 

and the one thing I i always adhere to when i write is capitalization and punctuation because whenever i see a lower case letter that should be upper case or when i see a misuse of punctuation a misuse of the dash i always get really nitpicky about it

 

so the first thing im going to try in this journal is to ignore all capitalization and punctuation rules and write like this

 

 

 

So so this is what its like to not use proper punctuation and grammar i actually havent written like this since dad yelled made me memorize basic grammar rules after i failed a grammar quiz back in third grade

 

it doesnt seem like the creativity is pouring in yet but i think this kind of thing takes time

 

 

 

when i told my Eng english teacher about this notebook she said that this wasnt exactly what she had in mind

 

she said she wanted me to write about things that i usually dont feel comfortable writing about, about

 

not in a style that i dont normally write in

 

but she said that i can do both at once it should be fine

 

so

 

things i don’ dont normally write about

 

thats actually a lot of stuff

 

 

 

 

dear diary journal diary notebook how should i ask my parents to buy Ph photoshop

 

because making this picture would be so much easier on photoshop and it would turn out looking so much nicer honestly you cant do much with paint

 

i hope andrew will like this picture i hope he understands how stupid paint is

 

oh thats right i should explain

 

im participating in this years secret santa at my school and when we drew names i got andrew slater

 

andrew slater the six foot bulldozer in my health class

 

okay so maybe hes not a bulldozer

 

more like a slightly underweight monster truck i guess

 

and maybe hes not six feet tall

 

more like five foot nine

 

 

anyway i dont know much about him but i couldn’ couldnt switch with someone else

 

the only thing i know is that he plays the bass guitar in some band because i saw them performing at a school festival two weeks ago

 

so i decided that i would draw a picture of him performing with his band as his present

 

and since i have no other program i have to use paint

 

 

 

first snow of the season today

 

 

 

when i asked for photoshop they said no of course they would say no why did i even ask

 

 

 

 

i can do without photoshop paint is good enough andrew will just have to take it

 

 

 

1. Taking the antiderivative of 3xsinx:  using tabular   wrong notebook

 

 

 

dear notebook should i download photoshop illegally

 

 

 

 

found an envelope of my elementary school artwork deep in my closet

 

its the weirdest thing to look at what you made eight years ago

 

i don’ dont even remember making half of this stuff like this charcoal skeleton and this clay frog

 

i must have been a weird kid

 

but it seems that when i was a kid i was a lot more creative

 

at least what i call creative

 

in a bizarre way

 

i mean this frog has six eyes and scales

 

 

at the bottom of the envelope i found a friendship bracelet and i remember the face of the girl who gave it to me but i can’ cant remember her name

 

 

 

in health class i learned that sleep deprivation is a lot more harmful than i thought

for instance it weakens memory and focus and can even lead to obesity

 

i wonder if i should tell dad because he stays up several nights in a row for work

 

 

when i told him he asked how i expected him to get work done i said i dont know and he went back to typing

 

 

 

secret santa gift exchange in a week and a half

 

ill give it to andrew at the end of the day i think i know where he usually is maybe i can catch him alone

 

or i could just stay home and

 

 

the more i look at the picture the uglier it is for instance the shading on the guitar and the shape of the drummer’ drummers eyes are so unrealistic

 

and the character thats supposed to be andrew doesnt look anything like andrew im pretty sure the color of the hair is off

 

how on earth will i give this to him

 

maybe i should just buy something for him and trash the picture

 

except i dont know anything else about him so id have a harder time choosing something to buy than just completing this picture

 

so picture it is

 

i guess

 

 

 

today i asked my health teacher how to convince people that something is good for them if they refuse to try it

 

mr stanley said it was a good question that he didnt know how to answer and continued his demonstration on the heimlich maneuver

 

i guess im on my own

 

 

except i dont know why im trying so hard because im pretty sure everything i try will only make dad angrier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

andrew knows everything

 

 

i mean everything

 

 

 

somehow this notebook got left in my health classroom it must have fallen out of my backpack while i was trying to dislodge my binder

 

anyway when i realized that it was missing which was during lunch i ran to all of my morning classrooms trying to find it and when i got to the health classroom andrew was alone in there sitting at my desk reading this notebook

 

i cant 

 

he

 

 

so i ran into the classroom grabbed this notebook and ran to the girls bathroom where i am now writing and sweating and shaking

 

 

what if  what if he tells someone and it makes its way to my parents

 

i vaguely thought that someday someone might find this notebook but it didn’t didnt seem real  likely to  real

 

 

what am i going to do

 

 

tomorrow in health class what if andrew is there what should i say

 

 

of course ill pretend nothing happened

 

maybe my hair covered my face and he didnt see who i was

 

 

but theres only one person in my class whos legitimately a shrimp and thats me and also im the only one with such long hair

 

 

what am i going to do

 

should i even be writing this what if andrew or someone else sees it

 

maybe i should stop bringing it to school but then my parents might find it and anyone at school can read whats in here before my parents do

 

oh god

 

 

ok

 

heres the plan

 

1. carry this notebook with me at all times
2. dont even look at andrew
3. if he tries to talk to me ill feign confusion
4. if he tries to talk to me in private ill run still feign confusion

 

or i could just burn

 

 

and it just occurred to me that now he knows who his secret santa is or at least what his secret santa looks like

 

and he knows how crappy his gift is going to be

 

i just checked to see if i wrote my name anywhere in this notebook and it doesnt look like i did

 

but im still the shrimp with extremely long hair 

 

 

 

still shaking and sweating and the end of lunch bell just rang so i have to get out of the bathroom and pretend to be ok

 

 

 

 

 

i cant sleep

 

health class in less than nine hours

 

 

maybe he really wont remember

 

 

 

seven hours and thirty nine minutes left

 

unfortunately my digital clock doesnt show seconds

 

 

 

why would he take any interest in me

 

no reason at all

 

so i shouldnt worry

 

 

time to make breakfast

 

 

 

the next class is spanish and after that will be health

 

 

 

 

im not afraid

 

no one would care if he told them that i was writing stupid things in a dinky little notebook

 

 

 

 

 

in the girls bathroom

 

the beginning of class seemed okay andrew didnt even look my way

 

but then towards the end he raised his hand and mr stanley was surprised because andrew never participates in class

 

anyway andrew said that he wanted to answer my question from before

 

i couldnt even remember my question but then i realized it was the one about convincing someone that something was good for them even though they refuse to try it

 

and he said maybe i should tell whoever it is that i care for him or her and that i want him or her to stay healthy

 

there was a long silence in the classroom

 

mr stanley asked me if andrew answered my question

 

i think i said yes

 

and class moved on

 

as soon as the bell rang i ran  left quickly ran out of the classroom

 

 

and that was that

 

i guess nothing really bad happened

 

 

maybe ill try what andrew suggested

 

 

 

dad just got even more upset and said that i was embarrassing him

 

and mom yelled at me for embarrassing him

 

 

 

up in the middle of the night but theres nothing to say i would just be repeating myself

 

turned on the laptop to work on the picture

 

one pixel at a time

 

 

 

today andrew didnt say anything at all

 

makes me kind of nervous

 

 

 

last night it snowed so much that school got cancelled so im stuck at home

 

my parents are at work so the house is quiet

 

what should i have for lunch

 

 

 

doorbell

 

 

 

as soon as i opened the door and saw who it was i slammed the door back shut but he stopped the door with his foot

 

i threw my whole weight against his foot and i still lost

 

how the heck does he know where i live

 

he asked me if my parents were home

 

i said yes

 

he told me he knew i was lying

 

then he stuck his arm around the door and held out to me a cd case

 

this is for you

 

when i didnt take the case he waved his arm around blindly so i took it

 

his arm retracted

 

then his foot

 

when i peeked around the edge of the door he was gone

 

i closed the door

 

double locked it

 

sat against it

 

ripped opened the cd case

 

 

 

 

photoshop

 

i want to download it but my parents could find out

 

 

 

 

downloaded on my laptop

 

now that i think about it this was probably illegally obtained knowing andrew but i dont care

 

first thing i have to do now is redo his secret santa picture on photoshop

 

 

 

midnight

 

halfway done with the coloring

 

got to listen for parents coming near my room

 

 

 

 

girls bathroom

 

when i got to class andrew was sitting in my seat

 

he asked me if photoshop worked

 

i said yes

 

he told me that he bought it off a friend for thirty bucks and i said that was a lot of money he said no it wasnt

 

the bell rang so he went back to his seat

 

no mention of anything else id written in this notebook

 

i didnt realize how hard my legs were shaking until i sat down

 

 

 

more snow last night no school again

 

dear notebook diary do you think andrew will stop by today

 

photoshop

 

 

door

 

 

he was wearing way too little for the weather and holding a snow shovel

 

asked if i wanted him to shovel the sidewalk

 

i said no because i didnt have money at hand but he said he would do our sidewalk for free

 

i had to say no

 

he stood on the porch then asked if i wanted to go around the neighborhood with him

 

i said that seeing me with a shovel was like seeing a mouse with a butcher knife

 

he laughed and said i didnt have to shovel just that he wanted me around

 

i gawked then i said something about it being weird for me to stand around while he shoveled

 

he set his shovel against the door frame and asked if i wanted to take a walk instead

 

i didnt answer for awhile and then i asked him why he was doing this

 

he told me that he had been wondering about me ever since he read my journal

 

wondering how such a deep person could be hiding behind such a plain facade

 

i ignored the plain facade part and said the last thing i want is someone getting interested in me

 

no the last thing you want is someone finding out about the way your parents treat you

 

why would you

 

its true isnt it

 

please leave

 

have you been living your whole life with those bastards without saying a word to anyone about how they treat you

 

dont insult my parents

 

why not i mean what father gets upset when his daughter tries to help him

 

then i retreated a little behind the door

 

i asked him to please just leave me alone

and i slammed the door

 

double locked it

 

didnt care if he heard me double lock it

 

i went back  i stood i stood there kind of hoping to hear him call me back out

 

but nothing happened

 

when i got to a window he was gone

 

 

left his shovel

 

 

 

i cant work on the picture i cant focus i keep coloring on the wrong layers and the gradient tool isn’t

 

 

 

 

he came back to get his shovel

 

seemed to know exactly which window i was watching from

 

 

 

 

still snowed in

 

he hasnt come by since yesterday

 

 

few more details left to add to the picture but i dont feel like working on it

 

 

 

two hour delay i checked at five in the morning

 

but i cant go back to sleep

 

moms talking to someone outside and im wondering who it is because im pretty sure all the neighbors hate us

 

 

 

what is he doing talking to my mom

 

 

 

when i got to the door he was trying to ask where i was and mom was brushing him off heading for her car to go to work dad had already left thank god

 

i yelled his name

 

andrew turned around and mom looked between me and andrew

 

is he a friend of yours

 

i nodded numbly

 

why on earth did you befriend someone like him look at his clothes his hair and for goodness sake how does he know where we live

 

i dont know

 

i was perfectly honest i really didnt know the answer to either question

 

andrew pointed down the driveway and said he lived a few doors down that way

 

she stared at him blankly

 

finally she looked at me

 

just make sure he gets out of here quickly you should feel lucky that im not telling your father about this

 

she got in her car gave me one final glare stare glare and drove off

 

he put his hands on his hips as he watched her disappear then asked how i could deal with such a

 

i cut him off asking him why he came

 

i came to tell you that im always around for you to talk to

 

what

 

and that i wont say i told you so when you realize what ive been trying to tell you

 

what

 

i really do live four doors down that way you know

 

really

 

so come over and talk whenever you feel like it

 

he turned around and left

 

 

 

 

snow falling in thick sheets

 

 

got an email from the girl coordinating secret santa saying that the gift exchange will be postponed to whenever we get back to school

 

 

it was supposed to be today

 

 

 

almost as soon as the snow stopped which was around lunchtime he came by

 

i really didnt want to open the door but he wouldnt go away and the thought of him standing out there waiting for me made me feel guilty

 

he had his shovel with him and he said he was going to shovel the driveway no matter what i said

 

i watched as he began battling the snowdrifts

 

and then i put on my shoes and my coat and went outside to dig out dads shovel

 

 

 

 

you know i really actually like snow

 

 

 

i finished the picture its printed and in my backpack

 

 

 

 

 

 

school back in today i checked just now

 

 

 

i gave andrew the picture after school like i said i would

 

he looked at it and said that i was right paint really did suck in comparison to photoshop and i nodded

 

he looked at the picture some more and then ruffled my hair and asked if he could photocopy it for the other band members

 

 

 

 

today i did something strange but i think it worked out

 

i got out my elementary school artwork and showed it to mom

 

i was surprised when she put down what she was doing and sat down at the kitchen table to look through the stuff

 

she seemed to especially like the clay frog

 

after she turned it over a few times in her hand she put it down and looked at me and asked me if that guy from yesterday was bothering me or not

 

you mean andrew

 

yes

 

mom theres nothing going on

 

i know i know of course you wouldnt be so imprudent as to start a relationship now while youre in school but i just wanted to know i mean i wanted to make sure he wasnt harassing you or anything

 

mom looked really flustered

 

i reassured her that he wasnt harassing me

 

so hes your friend

 

i paused a long time before i answered yes

 

and hes not anything like those other boys i see at your school

 

he kind of is but at the same time hes not so much like them

 

it was really hard to explain to mom what my relationship was with andrew and after a few tries i sort of gave up

 

mom looked at me for awhile and then she nodded and got up and left

 

all night ive been waiting for dad to storm in yelling at me but it hasnt happened yet

 

so i think it really did work out

 

whatever i mean by that

 

 

 

 

last night at two in the morning when i got up to get a drink of water dad was already in bed

 

i have no way of telling if it was because of me or maybe mom got through to him but he was in bed nonetheless

 

 

 

 

i love my parents

 

if you asked me a week ago i wouldnt have been able to say that honestly but now i think i can

 

 

well actually i would have said that i love them

 

but not in the way i do now

 

 

 

 

 

 

snow predicted next monday

 

maybe on tuesday there wont be any school