The State Dept. wants to know about the day I worked as a telemarketer. Yes, it was only one day, and it’s why I’m usually nice to telemarketers. I was a college student, and I had already held a string of part-time jobs on campus. For this one, I was supposed to raise money for the university by calling alumni during the dinner hour and hitting them up for contributions. Let’s just say it did not go well, and I quit at the end of the day. Why would the State Dept. want to know about that? Am I applying for a job there? No, they’ve developed a new passport application questionnaire. If they get their way, and if your proof of citizenship is deemed “unreliable”—Hey, don’t scoff, it can happen to a U.S. President…—you may have to provide detailed information about your employment and residence history. In addition, they want you to talk about your mother. That’s right, the State Dept. wants you to sit back on that sofa, and… Seriously, they want to know who her doctor was and what kind of prenatal care she received. And, where was your mother, exactly, a year before you were born?
Really? Really. Well, I can tell you where she was approximately 9 months before I was born…
A number of critics have already spoken out against this new questionnaire, because let’s face it, who remembers all that stuff? State says the average person can fill out the form in 45 minutes. Take a look and tell me if you think that’s reasonable. Maybe if I make it all up. But for a truly detailed history, that will take a while. Should I list the restaurant where I worked behind the bar when I was underage? What about that family whose kids I babysat when I was 13? I could talk about how the dad drove me home in his Mustang smelling of rum. And, does cutting the lawn count? I got paid.
I realize it’s important to evaluate people before you give them a U.S. passport, but there must be a less cumbersome way to figure out whether someone is really an American. Therefore, I propose the following questionnaire as an alternative, sort of like the short, simplified version of the IRS 1040 tax form.
EZ Passport Questionnaire
Please answer the following questions with the first response that comes to mind. Hint: Do not think long and hard about these questions, people! Remember, acting without considering the consequences is the American way.
1. Which Simpsons character are you?
2. How much will you pay for an apple that you’re told is organic?
3. How much will you pay for a gallon of gas? Bonus: How many organic apples in a gallon of gas, this week?
4. Who is the “Father of Our Country”? [Hint: It’s not Bill Gates or Ronald Reagan.]
5. List 15 states and the names of their capital cities. [Careful! if you can do this correctly, you may be required to fill out the long form to prove your status. Three points off if you know whether the correct spelling is ‘capital’ or ‘capitol.’]
Select an answer below to complete the sentence:
6. Those 100-calorie mini-packets of otherwise fattening snack foods
A) really hit the spot!
B) have been essential in helping me lose weight.
C) mean that I can eat five tiny packets of chocolate chip cookies and feel self-righteous instead of just scarfing down a full size bag!
Finally, please indicate whether you agree/disagree with the following statements:
7. I am proud of this country, and whatever goes wrong here is not my fault. [Agree/Disagree]
8. Instead, it’s your fault. [Agree/Disagree]
9. As an American, I have a right to own a 50” flat screen TV, even if I need a second mortgage to get one. [Agree/Disagree]
10. The American slogan could be “Why do anything about a problem today when you can wait a while for things to get so bad they can’t be ignored, and then put all your energy into complaining about it?” [Agree/Disagree]
11. Snookie? [Agree/Disagree]
If you’ve answered 90% of these questions correctly, your U.S. passport is already on its way to you! If you’ve answered only 50% of these questions correctly, your status as an American is questionable. In that case, please fill out the long form, and don’t forget to include a detailed description of what your mother was wearing a year before you were born.
For more from Paula Whyman, see www.paulawhyman.com and her online parody newspaper www.bethesdaworldnews.com.
