Recently, I received an entertaining phone call from my credit card company. A disembodied voice that sounded extremely anxious claimed that it wanted to alert me to “unusual activity” on my credit card. First, the recorded message asked, “Do you have your card in your possession?” After a moment of panic—because why would they ask if they weren’t already sure that I DIDN’T have it??—I found the card in my wallet.
“Please respond to the following questions to the best of your ability,” the voice instructed.
Should I sharpen a #2 pencil? I wondered. Will there be analogies? Hate analogies.
“Did you, on (a specific date more than a month ago), charge the amount of XX at Sushi-Ko, Chevy Chase? Press 1 for No Way, press 2 for It Could Not Have Been That Much—Who Had a Second Sake?, or press 3 for Guilty!”
I pressed 3.
“Did you, on (a specific date that was a month ago), charge the amount of XX at Rite Aid Pharmacy? Press 1 if you were buying Tylenol to take care of that sake hangover; press 2 if you didn’t know what we meant by Rite Aid at first, because your kids call it Wrong Aid; press 3 if you had no idea that two-pound bags of Twizzlers cost that much.”
I pressed 3.
“Did you, on (a specific date that was yesterday), charge the amount of XX at the Bowlmor arcade? Press 1 for Someone Definitely Stole My Card; press 2 for Well, Aren’t We Nosy-Pants?; press 3 for The Kids Were Home for Four Days Straight, It Is Lucky I didn’t Max Out My Credit Card at the Bowlmor Arcade.”
I pressed 3.
The disembodied voice appeared placated.
For some reason my combination of charges flagged the system as uncharacteristic or unusual. I do not know why. This is, after all, the spending pattern of a person whose 9-year-old loves sushi as much as his mom and therefore gets to go for the occasional splurge when the rest of the family is away… and a person who buys two-pound bags of Twizzlers in bulk…and a person who does not have a $5-bill for the bowling arcade token machine. What’s so strange? I wonder if I will get a concerned phone call when I stock up on Good & Plenty? “Ms. Whyman, press 1 if you should be more concerned about your weight!”
I remember my first credit card. I was in college. You can see I’m about to make a huge mistake, just from that sentence, right? In the Student Union, Sears had set up a table where they were signing kids up for credit cards. The draw? A free pitcher and mugs. I never bought anything with my Sears credit card. I think I gave it back at some point while I was still a freshman. But I continued to enjoy the free gift!
There is something else that bothers me about credit cards: Why the 3-digit “security” code on the back? There is a number on the front, a very long number. At some point, these numbers on the front started getting stolen. So the companies, in their wisdom, added MORE numbers, but in a different place on the card, where they were sure THIEVES WOULD NEVER LOOK. You are supposed to guard this special 3-digit number and not give it to anyone. Unless, that is, you need to buy something with the card. Then, you must give it to everyone. Everything from a $15 subscription ordered online, to a $200 catalog phone order has required me to provide this Top Secret number. Hello? What is the point? Because now, everyone from iTunes to the dude in Evanston who sold me a used copy of Dungeonmaster Manual 3.5 knows this number. This isn’t much different from the everyday geniuses who create passwords like PASSWORD and ABC123 for themselves for use in “secure” web transactions.
And by the way, why didn’t the credit card company call me about that Dungeons & Dragons book? Is that more in line with their expectations of me than sushi, Twizzlers, and bowling?
I would like to see their profile of me based on recent charges:
- Montgomery County Public Library: late fees for novel by Daniel Pinkwater, Garfield comics, and Guide to Advanced Origami
- RNJ Sports: neck warmer
- Amazon, recent downloads for Kindle: I Feel Bad About My Neck by Nora Ephron, and Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach
- Macy’s: 12 pairs of boy’s socks
- iTunes, recent downloads: Patti Smith, The Heavy, Little Feat, Cher
- Amtrak, BWI station: Jumbo bag of Chex-Mix, box of Oreos, Gatorade
I think they will have to draw the conclusion that this credit card actually belongs to my son, and he gave me a Kindle, or this credit card has been stolen by a 40-year-old pothead with a cold neck and small feet.
I will let you know if the credit card company calls me again. I hope that my most recent charges reflect the effort I have made to live up to their expectations.
If you are a writer or other creative professional interested in office space with the Bethesda Literary Cooperative, please contact Paula Whyman through her website www.paulawhyman.com.
For more from Paula Whyman, see www.paulawhyman.com and her online parody newspaper www.bethesdaworldnews.com.
