In keeping with the numerous top ten lists that are proliferating all over the Internet this time of year, I thought I’d take the opportunity to make a few lists of my own.
As I mentioned in last week’s column, when I was growing up, my family never sent a holiday letter that contained a narrative of the year’s events and achievements. Had I written a holiday letter this year, I would have instead included the following information.
Top 5 Things I Did NOT Do This Year
- I did not make the Olympic speed-skating team. (It helps if you try out first. In fact it helps if you know how to ice skate.)
- I did not publish my breakout first novel. (As above; it’s good to finish writing it first.)
- I did not profit from the downturn. (No explanation necessary.)
- I did not go camping in the wilderness with my children. (An activity that seems, theoretically, like a good idea, until you actually think about it for more than ten seconds.)
- And, finally, the fifth thing I did NOT do this year:
Yoga.
And, because one list is never enough, here are the things I should’ve done, but didn’t do…
Top 5 Things I Effectively Put Off for Another Year
- Deciding where to put the pictures on the wall that we had framed a year and a half ago. (I have mentioned this here before, thinking that if I announce it in a public forum, I will be embarrassed into actually taking care of it. This tactic has not yet been effective.)
- Cleaning out the closet. Any closet. Normally, I don’t do this until I’m desperate to find something (anything). But it’s a well-known fact that when you clean the closet, you don’t find the thing you were looking for; you find the thing you long ago stopped looking for. And what a great surprise it is!
- Going to the eye doctor. I know, I know… but it means they will put those drops in my eyes, and I will not be able to read my emails for a couple of hours. This is unacceptable. Besidez, I kan seeh justt fyne.
- Creating a chart that designates whose turn it really is to clean the powder room. (It would be much more effective if this information were written down, as opposed to my current method of forgetting whose turn it is and assigning the chore to the one who’s the worst at convincing me he did it last time.)
- Figuring out whether to get one of those parking meter keys (the ones you can use instead of change to feed the meters in Bethesda). Yes, it’s just a matter of sitting down to do the math. How many hours do I park in a metered lot? Convenience of having to keep quarters around vs. having to go to the service office to replenish the account? On the other hand, our town is gradually shifting to Pay-by-Cell parking, so if I wait long enough, both key and quarters will be obsolete. This, by the way, is the primary advantage of procrastination: If you put a task off for long enough, it will become unnecessary.
And, finally, here is a list of something I DID accomplish this year. Even without the benefit of the eye exam…I read the following books that came out in 2010, all by local authors, and I highly recommend them. I will not pretend to be completely objective here; all of these authors happen to be people I’m lucky enough to know. If you’re looking for something to download on the new iPad or Kindle you received as a holiday gift, all (except the book of poems) are available that way, as well as in the quaint paper format.
Bald-Faced Touting of 5 Books Published in 2010
- I Was the Jukebox (poems), by Sandra Beasley
- Beach Week, by Susan Coll
- The Chester Chronicles, by Kermit Moyer
- The Nobodies Album, by Carolyn Parkhurst
- Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, by Helen Simonson
Next I will work on a list of resolutions for 2011. I have found that the primary advantage of making a list is that the list-making in itself feels like an accomplishment, even if I never get around to crossing things off of it. List made? Time to kick back and start compiling more lists of tasks I will not have done by the end of the New Year.
For more from Paula Whyman, see www.paulawhyman.com and her online parody newspaper www.bethesdaworldnews.com.
