It is good to have a store like Whole Foods nearby, because otherwise I might never have heard of the Goji berry. That is, unless I happened to visit the Himalayas, which is where they come from. I find it interesting that the same store that trumpets “Local peaches! From only 300 yards away! In fact you can go to a farm stand and buy them yourself without our mark-up, but instead we insist you buy them RIGHT HERE for so much more!” also stocks an item that must be carried down a mountain by yak, packed in the softest silk, and transported by boat, train, plane and truck, halfway around the world. And for what? What special faculties do we attribute to this magical ambrosia, this fruit of the gods, that make it worth the journey?
Here, to satisfy your curiosity, is the absolute truth about the Goji berry: The Goji berry will make you young again. You will not need Botox. You will not need Viagra. You only need Goji berries.
I’m making that up.
Here, then, is the truly absolute truth about Goji berries: They are really expensive. This is because they come from far away. Because they are really expensive and come from far away, someone will buy them thinking they’re great. That is when the really truly absolute truth about Goji berries will be revealed, which is: They taste terrible. One website that would like you to buy Goji berries from them describes the flavor as a cross between “cranberries and olives.” Now doesn’t that sound like a “delicious treat”?
To get to the truth, I held an utterly unscientific taste-tasting event. One participant commented, “I think it’s more like olives combined with raisins.”
Another said, “At first they seemed pretty good. But as I went on eating them, they got worse.”
Goji berries also look terrible. There is a reason why they require such careful handling. If they are touched by human hands during harvesting, they will instantly turn black. Maybe this is why they are often sold covered with other substances, for instance, chocolate. Because there are people who will eat a lug nut if it is covered with chocolate. Even though I’d never encountered Goji berries before, when I saw them in the store, they looked very familiar to me. Later, I realized this is because we have a lot of rabbits in our neighborhood. In the winter, when it snows, little piles of Goji berries can be found on the white snow in our yard.
Now you know exactly where Goji berries are found in the Himalayas.
At Whole Foods, you can buy a 6-oz package of yogurt-covered Goji berries for the low, low price of $8.99. That may sound like a lot of money for a teeny tiny bag of snack food, but when you think about it, it’s really a bargain for a product that comes straight from the Himalayas and replaces Botox and Viagra (besides, if you buy enough of these berries to capture the supposed health benefits, you can no longer afford Botox or Viagra).
The company that packages and markets the Goji berries sold at Whole Foods has a beautiful website. It is like a beautiful backdrop for a Hollywood film. I imagine there is a man hidden behind it with a comb-over and a mustard-stained tie chomping a cigar stub and saying, “What the heck are we going to do? This stuff tastes like tar and looks like rabbit scat.”
So, to sum up, in order for a specific food product to reach us, it must be carried down a mountain and transported half-way around the world. Then, in order to make it palatable, it must be covered with something sweet. Then, finally, people will pay lots of money for it.
I am in the wrong business. Because now that I know how much is to be earned from the sale of Goji berries, I am going to collect and package them myself. I don’t even need to claim that they taste good, only that they’re organic! And I’m sure I can find a way to cover them with chocolate, or maybe wasabi is the way to go. I’m open to suggestions.
The best part is that when Whole Foods stocks my Goji berries, the store will be able to advertise them as “Local! Goji berries from RIGHT HERE in your backyard!”
Look for my local Goji berries, coming this winter to a store near you.
For more from Paula Whyman, see www.paulawhyman.com and her online parody newspaper www.bethesdaworldnews.com.
