“In these suburbs, the only formal support service for LGBT youth is the Rainbow Youth Alliance (RYA), which meets at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Rockville,” Richards says. “This is why we hope the safe house becomes a reality.” RYA provides a support group for 14- to 18-year-old gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and their allies. “It is a place where these young people can come. It serves as a safe haven to ask questions as well as find support,” says Stephanie Kreps, founder of RYA. Kreps says an average of 10 teens attend RYA meetings. Jackie, meanwhile, is looking forward to getting her GED and transitioning into an independent living program.
Acceptance
Tommy Trevisan, 21, of Bethesda finally accepted that he wasn’t attracted to girls during his senior year at Gonzaga College High School in Washington, D.C. He laughs as he recalls the day he came out to his mom. “My mom is great,” he says. “I started sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, seeing another male. My mom somehow knew and asked who I was seeing. I told her the guy’s name. She grounded me because I had been sneaking out, but not because I was gay.”
Susie Trevisan, Tommy’s mother, suspected for years that her son was gay. “When Tommy was 3, he would show up in a princess costume at family get-togethers,” she says. “Fortunately, my family counselor had a gay son and she mentioned [that] Thomas could be gay. This suggestion gave me a needed heads-up most parents do not get. She also provided me with articles and books to read, as well as some really sound advice. I consider myself really lucky.” Susie believes an acknowledgement of the possibility that your child might be gay really helps a parent gain a sense of acceptance long before a child comes out. As Tommy grew up, she worked hard to create an environment that was “gay-friendly,” making a point of speaking about gays in positive terms and leaving articles about gays around the house.
Susie’s acceptance and understanding have made a big difference in Tommy’s life. “If you are accepted at home, you can go out and be rejected somewhere else,” he says. “When your family loves you, other people can’t destroy you.”
Dan Fishback, now 27, attended Richard Montgomery High School in Rockville. He dated girls, in an effort to convince himself that he wasn’t gay. During sophomore year, he realized that no matter how attractive the girls were, he simply was not sexually attracted to them. Dan says he suffered through a real crisis and shared with his family later that he had decided he either had to like himself the way he was, or kill himself. “Fortunately, he chose to live,” says Dan’s father, David, who is a board member of Metro DC PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in Washington, D.C., a nonprofit organization that provides support for parents, family members and friends, as well as education and advocacy on LGBT issues. “Later, he told us that he was never afraid that we would not love him, but was afraid we would be disappointed. I fear for the lives of those gay children who do not have—or do not think they have—that love from their parents.” Dan is now a successful playwright and actor in New York.
“My daughter came out in 10th grade but she didn’t tell me—my wife did,” shares John (not his real name), originally from Potomac. “I remember standing outside listening to my wife explain and thinking, ‘Thank God!’ My feeling was one of overwhelming relief that this is what the issue was. My daughter had been going through a really dark time for months; she was so filled with angst and unhappiness. Getting rid of that unknown lifted an incredible weight off our relationship. I ran in the house and hugged her. I had to hug her and tell her I loved her. The ability to talk, communicate, opened back up and our relationship went back to normal in those few seconds of acceptance and it has been like that from that moment on.”
Colleen’s daughter came out when she was a 10th grader at Whitman. Colleen, who lives in Potomac, believes that her daughter’s announcement has allowed them to have a closer relationship than most mothers and daughters. “It opens the doors and makes the trust part of the relationship so much deeper,” she says. “As moms and dads, you always say the words, ‘you can do and be whoever you want to be.’ By accepting your child’s sexual orientation, whatever it may be, you prove you meant those words.”
Coming out as a parent After a child comes out to a parent, the parent eventually has to tell friends and family. “This is one of the most important things, because it states publicly that you are not ashamed of your child,” says Catherine Tuerk, a nurse psychotherapist who lives in Chevy Chase, D.C., and works with parents of children who display a strong and persistent interest in opposite gender toys, play or clothing.
Coming out as a parent, however, isn’t always easy. I still remember when the father of one of Alex’s friends showed up at my house demanding that I make sure his daughter and mine never spoke again. When he began criticizing Alex’s sexuality, I threw him out as he continued to scream. “You are the type of parent that ruins other people’s children, and if I find out your daughter has been talking to mine, you will pay,” he yelled as he walked to his car. I felt stunned. My daughter and his had played basketball together for years. Somehow he was convinced that Alex being gay was a danger to his daughter.
Tommy Trevisan recalls what happened when he brought his boyfriend to a family graduation party. His grandparents were there, as well as several of his more conservative aunts and uncles. Everyone knew Tommy was gay, but many had not been confronted by the reality of Tommy with a male date. “My family is supportive,” he says, “but the first time they saw me being affectionate in public [we weren’t kissing], I was told not to do that in front of extended family. It was difficult.” Luckily, Tommy says, his family is close. Though he was angry, he and his mom talked and came to a conclusion that the extended family had to accept him for who he is, but that he would be more restrained in front of his grandparents. “They are older, and I can afford to be understanding. It was a mutual learning experience for my family and me. We have a loving family to get through this stuff,” Tommy says. “I do challenge my family at times, but I am really lucky I have them.”
As Tommy discovered, it can be challenging to determine the best way to come out to extended family and friends. I have utilized casual dinner party comments when telling friends that my daughter is homosexual. Comments such as “Yes, my daughter, Alex, is doing great. She came out a few years ago and I am so proud of her” are nonconfrontational while still being honest. In response to questions like, “What boy’s heart is she currently breaking?” I answer, “All of them. She came out in high school and she has a great girlfriend.”
Louisa Jaggar is the creator and coauthor of Smithsonian’s Saving Stuff: How to Care for and Preserve Your Collectibles, Heirlooms, and Other Prized Possessions (Simon & Schuster, 2005). She has also written for The Washington Post and Real Simple magazine.
