There’s plenty to worry about in our mixed-up world—and being a parent brings a separate and special set of anxieties to the table. The realities of modern life are enough to make even the most rational parent turn into a first-class worrywart at times, especially when it comes to the safety, wellbeing and academic development of our children. “It’s normal to feel anxious about these things, but you need to deal with your anxiety and not put your anxieties on your child,” says Potomac resident Jerilyn Ross, a psychotherapist, director of The Ross Center for Anxiety & Related Disorders in Washington, D.C., and author of One Less Thing to Worry About: Uncommon Wisdom for Coping With Common Anxieties. Here are eight common sources of parental anxiety in the Bethesda area, with a reality check on how valid the worry is and advice on how to deal with it.
THE FEAR: Your teen will use drugs or drink alcohol.
Chances are, you dread the idea of your child using a mind-altering substance, getting sick or into trouble with the law, or becoming addicted. “My third child is now a senior in high school—and I have held my breath with every one of them in their senior year,” says a Rockville mother. “By that time, they are mentally checked out of school, absolutely bored, and want to be partying like their friends who are in college. I have been told by my kids that I wouldn’t believe how many high school kids drink or smoke pot—and that worries me.”
The reality: Drug and alcohol use among teens in the Bethesda area is a legitimate concern, experts say. “We are seeing an increase in teens needing treatment for alcohol and other drug use,” says therapist Beth Kane Davidson, director of Suburban Hospital’s Addiction Treatment Center in Bethesda. “Binge drinking is probably the biggest concern; about 90 percent of alcohol consumed by youths under age 21 is in the form of binge drinking. We see good kids from good families with alcohol poisoning in our hospital on a regular basis—and sometimes they’re in danger of losing their lives.” As far as drugs go, “the main concern now is the popularity of prescription drugs—the kids call them pharmies, and they say they’re easy to get from home, friends or relatives,” Davidson says. Indeed, the 2008 Monitoring the Future Survey, conducted by researchers at the University of Michigan under a grant by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, found that nearly 10 percent of high school seniors say they’ve used Vicodin, and that nearly 5 percent have used OxyContin—both powerful opioid painkillers—in the past year.
What to do: Talk to your kids repeatedly about the dangers of alcohol and drug use and help them come up with an action plan for what to do in a situation where these substances are being used, Davidson says. “Often, parents and kids think that teens are going off to an event that’s going to be well supervised and it’s not,” says Davidson.” So you need to have conversations about what to do if they’re at a party and alcohol and other drugs are there.”
It’s important to set clear and straightforward rules and sanctions in a sensitive-manner when it comes to your teens drinking or using drugs, says Joel Adler, a clinical psychologist in Chevy Chase who specializes in the assessment and treatment of children and adolescents. “This is a time when parents need to exhibit a lot of tough love. Ultimately, setting firm rules in a loving way allows teens to feel emotionally safe and secure, particularly when they are feeling peer pressure. At the very least, these clear-cut rules can build a level of deterrence into their decision-making process.”
And, Davidson notes, since “stress and boredom increase the likelihood of kids drinking,” if you help your kids develop healthy ways to cope with stress and to stay engaged—by participating in sports or having hobbies, for instance—you’ll help reduce the odds they’ll turn to alcohol or other illicit substances.
THE FEAR: Your child could get abducted.
Do you freak out if you momentarily lose sight of your young child in a crowded store, or fear that someone will grab your child from the playground or on his or her way home from school? Having a missing child is among every parent’s worst nightmares. “I’ve done some volunteer work for missing and exploited children, so I’m extra sensitive to it because I know it can happen,” says Jennifer Kress, a mother of three in Potomac. “I don’t like my kids to play in the front yard because we live on a main street and I wouldn’t know if someone pulled up and grabbed them. There are weird people out there, and you have to be cautious.”
The reality: It happens, but not usually for the reasons parents fear. “I can’t think of the last child abduction involving a stranger in the Bethesda area,” says Russ Hamill, commander of the Montgomery County Police Department’s 2nd District station in Bethesda. Often in missing-child cases, Hamill says, the child is with a person he or she knows, or with a parent who has failed to comply with a court order, or has run away.
What to do: You’re probably already doing the basics—holding onto a young child’s hand in public, accompanying your kids to public restrooms, and making sure they know their home phone numbers and addresses. But it’s also wise to teach your kids to always ask a parent’s permission before going anywhere with anyone, even someone they know. “It’s important to give your kids all the tools and techniques you can to be safe—but not to impose your worries on your children,” Ross says. “Tell kids enough to keep them out of harm’s way and help them have a healthy level of caution, but there’s no reason to make kids unnecessarily anxious.”
THE FEAR: Your teenage driver could have a life-threatening accident.
When teens are behind the wheel, parents worry that they’ll be involved in a horrific accident, injuring themselves or others. “My 16-year-old daughter just got her learner’s permit, and I worry about her making one, tiny mistake while driving that could cost her limbs or life,” says Fran Kritz, a mother of two in Silver Spring. “I have talked to both my teens about the significance of a single decision, such as not paying attention while driving. At this point, I am trying to hold in my fears so I don’t make them fearful drivers.”
The reality: Car crashes are the leading cause of death for teenagers in the U.S. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “the risk of motor vehicle crashes is higher among 16- to 19-year-olds than other age groups,” and “per mile driven, teen drivers ages 16 to 19 are four times more likely than older drivers to crash.” In addition, the data show teenagers have the lowest rate of seat belt use. When researchers at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda recently interviewed more than 2,000 teens who had received their driver’s licenses in the previous year, about one-third admitted that they hadn’t always worn a seat belt in the previous week. For Hamill, the issue hits close to home. “Ryan Didone, a 15-year-old boy who was a close friend of our family’s, was killed in a car accident in late October,” Hamill says, “and his chances of surviving would have been greatly enhanced if he’d been wearing his seat belt.”
What to do: Model good behavior by strapping on your own seat belt and telling your kids that wearing a seat belt is nonnegotiable. “Have the courage to impose certain punishment if they don’t wear a seat belt or if they’re speeding or doing some other foolish thing while driving,” Hamill says. And make talking on a cell phone while driving an absolute no-no. “Even though it may be an inconvenience to take the license from them for a period of time,” Hamill says, “you have to be willing to do it. Parents should be active participants in their teens’ driving.”
THE FEAR: Your picky eater won’t get the nutrients he or she needs.
Some parents worry that their child will not be healthy or grow properly without a well-balanced diet. “I worry about my [4-year-old] daughter’s health because she won’t consistently eat veggies or whole grains; meanwhile, she loves sweets, and I let her eat too many of them,” says Jessica Kasten of Bethesda. “I see the recommendations for a balanced diet and I know there’s no way I could ever get all those foods into her on a daily basis.” Other parents are concerned that their picky eater won’t develop an appreciation for a variety of foods, which can make dining out or going to friends’ homes for meals challenging.
The reality: “I don’t think this should be a huge worry,” says Faye Berger Mitchell, a nutrition consultant in Bethesda. “Parents need to think globally about what their kids eat, not focus on a day-to-day basis. So far, I have yet to see a Montgomery County kid who is malnourished. That’s not to say there aren’t some out there, but it’s not as common as parents worry about.”
What to do: Keep offering your children, even the picky eaters, a variety of foods with different colors, textures, aromas and flavors. It often takes at least 10 exposures to a new food for a child to accept it, Mitchell says. “Put it on your child’s plate but don’t insist that he eat it—and don’t bribe, cajole or beg. Provide one food at each meal that each child will eat.” Then, Mitchell says, let the chips fall where they may; with repeated exposure, chances are your children eventually will broaden their dietary repertoire. In the meantime, don’t become a short-order cook and cater to each kid’s palate, because doing so can perpetuate picky eating. “The bottom line is, you cannot make your child be a healthy eater,” Mitchell says. “Your responsibility is to be a good role model and a provider of healthy foods. If you’re really worried, it doesn’t hurt to give your child a multivitamin as insurance.”
THE FEAR: Your teenager will become sexually active.
You might be anxious about your kid getting into a sexual situation he or she isn’t ready for. “Recently, I let my 13-year-old daughter borrow my cell phone because she couldn’t find hers, and when she returned it, there was a text message from a boy that said, ‘Hiya, sexy!’ ” recalls a mother of two in Chevy Chase. “It shook me up because I realized that teenage boys may see my curvy, blond daughter as sexy. She’s so innocent, and in her desire to fit in, I’m afraid she won’t recognize this as sexual, that a line has been crossed, and she could unknowingly fall into a situation she wouldn’t know how to handle emotionally.” Once your teen becomes sexually active, you’ll probably worry about her getting pregnant, him getting someone pregnant, or either one catching a sexually transmitted disease (STD) from unprotected sex.
The reality: Sexual activity is on the rise among teenagers, with about 48 percent of high school students reporting that they’ve had sex, according to the CDC. Yet only 62 percent reported using a condom during their last sexual experience. Given this, it’s not surprising that nearly 4 million teens contract an STD each year, according to the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. “Parents are right to be concerned about a child’s level of maturity for the responsibility of having sex,” says Adler, the clinical psychologist.
What to do: Talk to your kids frankly about sex, romantic relationships and peer pressure. “A parent’s job is to help kids understand the importance of sex in terms of an intimate relationship, as opposed to a recreational endeavor, and be very open talking about safe sex and the consequences associated with not having safe sex,” Adler says. It’s also smart to discuss the sexual messages kids are seeing onscreen, says Diane Levin, a professor of education at Wheelock College in Boston and co-author of So Sexy So Soon. “The pop culture world is giving kids all kinds of harmful messages, glorifying sexual activity in the absence of having a real relationship—and that goes against what is good for kids and what parents want for their kids. As a result, many kids have trouble making good decisions and need their parents to help them sort out these issues.”
