What does it take to get ahead?
There is a sense, says Rockville family therapist Joy Paul, that “no one is good enough any more. You have to play the violin while standing on your head.”
In an area where so many kids are so talented and pushed to succeed—and where they have the advantages of tutoring and so many extracurricular activities— it’s hard to avoid the pressure to excel. Not on a travel sports team by the time you leave elementary school? Forget about making your middle school team. Want to take a break from instrument lessons? That could jeopardize chances to play in the high school orchestra. In the public schools these days, math acceleration is the buzzword: How many students can take algebra by eighth grade?
Parents can track their children’s grades online, in some cases as early as elementary school. They can find out— even before their kids—whether their child aced or bombed a test, or is handing in homework. Such intensive gradet racking can help students stay on top of their work and know when they need to buckle down, but it also puts more focus on grades and can create conflict and add stress at home. “I had a little boy in second grade who was fearful of telling me he had failed a spelling test and how he wouldn’t get into a good college,” says Ingersoll. “Second grade! The preoccupation with a child’s grades has become a terrible bone of contention (in some families) and can have a terrible impact on family life.”
The pressure on kids may be greater in areas like Bethesda compared to other parts of the country. Mark Grannis, who grew up in Ohio, has stayed in touch via an email list with about 100 high school friends. “There has not been one single discussion from all these folks in Ohio about what high-pressured lives their kids live. I think some of the trouble here is more because of geography than generation.”
Whatever the reason, the competition and college worry make it easy for families to fall into an over-scheduling trap. “I hear all the time, ‘I don’t want my children to be behind,’” says Thompson, the Chevy Chase child development expert. “It’s like the packaging of children. They take soccer and music and drama class and French class and sports for every season, even pre-soccer for 4-year-olds. Parents feel very pressured.” It’s hard to resist, especially when fellow parents sometimes are quick to question each other’s choices (something which starts way before birth: You haven’t had kids yet? You’re going to have a C-section? You’re not going to nurse? You haven’t signed up for this preschool? Your child’s not trying out for travel sports? You’re going to work? Stay at home? It’s almost like parenting is a spectator-sport, with everyone offering their opinions on the “right” way to play. “Women are very hard on each other,” laments Brown of the rush to be both critical and self-critical about our choices. Adds Beckert: “I’ve had friends criticized for nursing in public and others criticized for not nursing in public. The stay-at-home moms judge the working moms and vice versa. Everyone just wants to know they have the right answer. But what are we teaching our kids when we judge each other’s parenting?”
Spencer says her 12-year-old son, who loves playing ice hockey, decided not to try out for a travel team this year. “There are people who said tome, ‘You are holding him back,’” she says. “But there are lots of ways to enjoy a sport. Just because he can do something at the highest level doesn’t mean he has to. He wanted to play in the backyard some weekends, and not spend every weekend going to New Jersey games.
When we have free time with our children, there’s often the temptation to “do” rather than just “be.” “The time we spend with them, we feel we have to cram in all this information and get them ready for futures,” says Des Roches. “Before, it was more relaxed and parents didn’t think everyminute was so crucial to their development.”
“There is no time to be a kid anymore,” Paul laments. “And when everyone is running in a million different directions, it’s harder to feel connected.”
‘Too much’ parenting
Over-scheduling can lead to other problems, including stress and power struggles, as well as lack of much-needed downtime and family time for meals and chores. Helen says when her now 9-year-old daughter was 6, she’d argue about everything. “I’d say, ‘Take a bath,’ and she’d say, ‘I don’t want to,’” Helen says. “It was ridiculous.” Helen went to Thompson, who asked her to write down all the activities the little girl was involved in. “Before that, I would have said we didn’t have much going on,” Helen says. “There was ballet and basketball and tae kwon do and art classes. Barb said we needed to give her more time to just be. I went home that day and we quit three of the activities. My daughter chose ballet as the one thing she really wanted to do. We immediately saw a difference. She needs that down time.” Today, Helen is considering her daughter’s request to add piano lessons. “She probably can because she’s learned how to manage her time now that she’s in fourth grade,” Helen says, then laughs. “That’s certainly not a term we ever used until we were in college!”
“Too much” isn’t just limited to activities. Child experts warn against too much praise and too much stuff—that is, a sense of emotional and material entitlement.
Praise has become such an integral part of parenting the U.S. Census even has a survey question asking parents how much they praise their children. “The self-esteem movement has run amok,” Thompson says. “Parents feel like children can’t have any disappointment.” To that end, they help resolve play-date arguments, make sure their children have the right “stuff,” micromanage writing the college essay.
“Trying to be hands-off is very difficult,” admits Gerber, who recently gave up staying up late to make sure her teens got to bed in time to get enough sleep. “I finally decided they know what I expect of them. If they are pooped, it’s their deal. They are doing pretty well.” Jackman, the Kensington mother of three, says she’s had to remind herself not to mention college too much to her 15-year-old daughter, a high school sophomore. “The day my daughter said to me, ‘I just want to enjoy high school,’ I said to myself, ‘I need to back off.’ I guess we were talking about it too much. It’s like, do you continue on the swim team with the unspoken thought that it will look good on the college application? I can let go of that comment and just say, ‘It’s good for you and fun.’”
Williams says she sometimes struggles while watching her 6-year-old on the soccer field. “He’ll be picking daisies and I’ll think, ‘Pull him off the field!’ But you have to let them rise to the occasion and that’s hard. It’s really hard to separate yourself from your child at times, especially when you think you are doing it for his own good.” Des Roches still laughs about the day her son, then 4, told her to back off and let him figure things out. “We were in a class and he was trying to get the attention of another little boy,” she says.
“He kept poking the other boy, who found it incredibly annoying. I wanted the other boy to say, ‘Quit bugging me.’ Instead I went over to my son and said, ‘We don’t bother other people.’ My son got so angry at me. He saw me as interfering, trying to prevent him from having fun. You have to think, ‘Do I want this to be a battle between me and my child, or two children who are on the same level?’”
Being too involved, warn the experts, can backfire in many ways.
Children today don’t have as many chances to figure out by trial-and-error how to deal with peers because parents too often give the cues, Wicker says. “If the parents are the ones always saying, ‘Be nice to Johnny’ or ‘Don’t leave Johnny out,’ kids don’t have opportunities to develop the kind of social skills they badly need as they go through life. Adults who say they feel more fearful about their children and safety are the ones more likely to be so involved in their play.”
